The Voice of Lakewood: Communication–Key to a Happy Marriage

By: Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

How to Talk and How to Listen Your Spouse

Emotions vs. Logic – Part Two

I previously wrote that the dominance of a woman’s emotions and a man’s logic affect both what and how they communicate with each other – women simply enjoy talking and sharing their feelings, thoughts, ideas and dreams with their husbands, while men focus on tachlisdik subjects, which are necessary for their day-to-day living.

The following examples further illustrate this concept:

Round-Table Discussions

When a group of women are sitting around a table at a wedding, they will usually notice and comment about another’s nice clothing, shaitel, shoes, or evening bag, and discuss prices and where one can get the best buy on these items.

Women also may share their feelings about their child-raising issues or difficulties in managing the home.

Occasionally, they may receive useful information about these topics, but sometimes it’s just to make conversation, as this helps nurture relationships between themselves.

On the other hand, when listening to a group of men conversing at a table, I highly doubt that a man would make one of the following comments to his friend:

“That’s a nice suit that you have; I like the new style lapel, and your tie is a real match. Is it silk or polyester?”

Or, “Is that the latest Borsalino hat that you’re wearing? Let me get a closer look at the band and new ribbon.” And I’m sure that a man will hardly pay attention to what style shoes his friend is wearing.

Kollel yungeleit will probably exchange divrei Torah with each other, and working men will usually speak about their jobs and options of how to earn money.

In today’s hi-tech world, they may discuss the latest news in computers, digital cameras or cell phones.

The following anecdote typically depicts how men’s conversations are limited to matters that are le’maaseh.

For months, two men played tennis with each other on Sunday.

Their wives, who had never met, suggested that they have a barbeque together to get acquainted with each other.

During the meal, the wives started to speak about their families, and one wife happened to mention that one of her children was hospitalized with a chronic illness.

As the couples were driving home, one of the wives asked her husband, “Jeffery, how come you never told me about Mike’s sick child?”

Jeffery innocently replied, “I never knew he had children.”

Why didn’t Mike tell Jeffery about his child? For the same reason that Jeffery didn’t ask – it was irrelevant to the purpose of their weekly get-together, which was to play some good tennis games for exercise and relaxation. (In contrast, women in the same situation would probably take off some of their recreation time to form a relationship by socializing and getting to know each other.)

Similarly, two men could be learning b’chavrusah for months without either of them knowing anything about the other’s family situation.

Reminiscing

The emotion/logic dominance influences how men and women share events with each other and how they reminisce about their past experiences.

For example, when returning from a weekend vacation, the wife will focus on the emotional aspect of it, such as the serenity, beautiful scenery, how enjoyable it was to finally be alone for Shabbos and away from it all.

The husband, on the other hand, will amuse himself by talking about the new car he rented with the latest electronic gadgets or other logistical and action-related topics.

For a couple to share and enjoy conversing together, they must learn how to discuss and share topics, stories and experiences on their spouse’s wavelength.

2. How to Listen

The next area of communication is learning how to listen when your spouse is speaking to you.

Listening is not just hearing what your spouse says; it’s listening so that your spouse feels that you are listening to him/her.

If, for example, a husband is engrossed in his own affairs while his wife would like to discuss something with him, even if he is listening and can repeat verbatim every word she’s saying, nevertheless, it does not suffice if his wife doesn’t feel that she’s being heard.

This is because when someone wishes to communicate with another person, the satisfaction of the one speaking depends on how much he feels the other person is listening to him.

Therefore, to give this feeling to one’s spouse, it is of utmost importance to give him/her eye contact by looking at him/her when he/she is talking to you.

During the summer months, Rav Moshe Feinstein would travel up to the Catskill Mountains and carry with him a Tanach wherever he went. When his wife had something to discuss with him, Reb Moshe would close the sefer while keeping his finger on the place and speak to his Rebbetzin for any length of time. When she finished speaking to him, Reb Moshe would open the Tanach and continue to study until his Rebbetzin had to speak with him again. He would then close his sefer again until she would finish what she had to discuss with him (adapted from Reb Moshe, Artscroll, p. 160).

When I repeat this story, I add, “I doubt if there is anybody in the audience who will ever be able to emulate Reb Moshe’s hasmadah or come close to reviewing Shas and Shulchan Aruch the hundreds of times that he did. Yet this story teaches us proper derech eretz – when someone is speaking to you, stop what you’re doing and look at him or her.”

Together with eye contact, the following gestures are also helpful in giving your spouse the feeling that he/she is being heard.

o Nod your head every so often.

* Verbally express your interest in what your spouse is saying by remarking, “Yes, I hear,” “Uh huh,” or “Mmm, that’s very interesting.”

o Comment every so often on what is being said.

* If your spouse is excited, respond emotionally. For example, “Wow, you don’t say!” And if he /she is happy, sad or serious, show happiness, sadness or seriousness on your facial expression.

Additionally, it’s vitally important not to interrupt your spouse when he/she is talking. At times, when a husband or wife is relating an incident, the other spouse will interrupt with minor corrections of irrelevant details, such as the exact time or place that the event happened. Or the listener may interject and say, “I know the rest of the story.” Besides being disturbing, a person usually never feels that he’s being heard and understood if there are constant interruptions. (Moreover, interrupting someone who’s speaking is one of the seven traits of a golem [an uncultivated person] [Pirkei Avos Ch. 5]).

Being a good listener is vital for compelling a husband or wife to want to converse with each other. If a husband and wife feel that their spouse is talking more with other people than with them, the reason could be that the wife or husband feels that other people are more attentive and show a greater interest in what they are saying than their spouse does.

Likewise, if a husband sees that his wife is not attentive enough when he is talking to her, (or vice versa), the reason may be that the husband is not attentive enough to his wife when she talks to him, as the pasuk in Mishlei (27:19) states, “Ke’mayim ha’panim la’panim, kain lev ha’adam l’adam” – As water reflects a face back to a face, so one’s heart is reflected back to him by another. Meaning, a person will interact with another person in the same manner that the other interacts with him.Your browser may not support display of this image.

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